Down Days

In a conversation with a friend, what seems like and eternity ago, we were discussing our interests and activities. She asked me, “Do you ever take a break? Do you ever just take time and relax?” I clearly remember giving her a quick answer at the time, “Well, I guess I’m more a of Human Doing, than a Human Being.” We laughed. In keeping with my true nature, it was a flip and mildly sarcastic response, but it rang truer than I realized at the time and it served for a mantra for much of my adult life. As further illustrated by a conversation I have with my sister-in-law during a recent visit. I offered to paint a wall in the kitchen of her new house that had not gotten prioritized during the hectic move. She was very reluctant to accept my offer, saying that is was my vacation and I should relax. I explained to her that accomplishing tasks is satisfying to me and that I am never so relaxed as when I’m standing back surveying a completed project with pride. She let me paint the wall.

In October of 2009, the day after my wedding, I contracted Lyme Disease. By March of the following year, when I was finally diagnosed, I was completely debilitated. I was unable to climb a flight of stairs without assistance and my Human Doing days as I knew them, came sharply to a halt. It has been 8 years give or take a week. I’m not the person I was when my faithful and loving husband took his vows on that fateful day, but he stayed by my side on the journey that brought me here. I’m better now, but I am different. One of the most frustrating things is that my base nature is still that of Human Doing. I have periods of time where I’m for all intents and purposes…normal, whatever that means these days. I guess that is to say that I appear normal to the spectators of my life. And then, seemingly without rhyme or reason, I very unceremoniously descend into a physical state of crippling illness. It’s not even always the same affliction, sometimes it is what appears to be a flu that lasts only a day or so, sometimes it is blinding lower back pain that keeps me confined to my bed for a few days, other times, as it is currently, it’s my right ankle with extraordinary swelling and mind blowing pain. Frustrating does not begin to encompass the range of emotions that I feel being restricted to the living room sofa with only limited ability to make small trips to other areas of the house to fetch something only to again collapse exhausted into the little pillow fort I have created on the couch to prop my laptop and writing journals.
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But…after much soul searching, I have come to a conclusion. While my predominant natural character may be that of Human Doing, my mind and body plotting behind the scenes in my subconscious must some how know that even the most consummate of Human Doings MUST make time to just BE. Just BE still, just BE quiet, just BE introspective and just plain BE gentle to ourselves.

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